I'm not good enough. It is a feeling that many women recognize, myself included. Low self-esteem is common among women, especially mothers. It is also known as Impostor Syndrome. But where does such low self-esteem come from and what can you do about it once you have 'recognized' it? And what do you think of all those perfect pictures on social media? They also encourage this feeling if you are sensitive to it.
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I hear it so often between the lines. Women who don't think they're good enough. Not only with other women or mothers, by the way, I sometimes hear it with son or daughter. And I'm very focused on that. Probably because I recognize it myself, that feeling of not being good enough. People who know me don't understand it and can't imagine anything with it. I can disguise it very well 😉 . I did not fall for my mouth and in this case that is my 'luck'. This makes it less noticeable, low self-esteem. On the other hand, it's also my bad luck, because because it doesn't stand out that much, I don't really feel compelled to do anything about it. At least… not with myself. But the feeling that remains and that gnaws.
Business scientist Vreneli Stadelmaier is researching this phenomenon, which seems to be a problem especially among smart people. Hah, I must have that in the pocket 😉 . Her research shows that 75% of the women suffer from it (yep, that womenfolk is a very smart race) and 50% of the men. The more successful the person, the greater the chance of low self-esteem. The stupid thing is… it often depends on your own thoughts, read on.
I found it even more unusual to read that having a low self-esteem is also called the 'impostor syndrome'. WTF? Do you already have a low self-esteem and then they also call it the cheater syndrome. Doesn't sound okay. Fortunately, after the explanation, it turns out to be a bit more nuanced 😉 .
Impostor Syndrome is also called impostor syndrome because the people who suffer from this really feel like a kind of impostor. They are afraid of falling through the cracks. Afraid that someone will stand up and yell 'yes, but you're not that good at all'. And I recognize that. It wasn't until I gave my presentation (more on that very soon) that that feeling came over me very strongly. Who is waiting for my story now?
The result of this impostor syndrome can go both ways. Flee or fight. Make yourself invisible or challenge yourself. In the first case you mock all successes and in the second you just work harder. And perfectionism rears its head even more.
I regularly receive compliments on my writing. Super sweet and very nice to hear that you appreciate my blogs. Yet I always have a devil on my shoulder. Do you recognize such a thing? As soon as I get a feather in my ass from someone this red horned bastard is fucking me. "Are you a good writer? Do not make me laugh! You didn't even study for it. Didn't even take a course!'
I hear him say so 🙁 . So it's strange that a compliment from someone else can even strengthen my feeling of not being good enough.
When I hear one of my children make a remark along the lines of 'I'm not good enough', 'I can't do that', or worse… 'I can't do anything', I am immediately overcome with fear. I hate it when one of my kids feels that way because it's so recognizable. But perhaps this feeling is also a bit part of an age phase. Or is it part of the growing up process? What do you think?
Yet there is a method with which you can help yourself (or others) I have found. The RET ABC method, developed by the American Dr. Albert Ellis.
In short, this method means that you have a situation (A), and a behavior or emotion (C), which arises from your thought (B).
Very simply put. Your thoughts cause a certain behavior or emotion to arise when you think about a certain situation or when you are in a certain situation. This site explains in a very recognizable way how this works on the basis of a presentation that must be given.
It just so happens that the situation described here is exactly the situation I experienced last week when I had to give a presentation. So you see again that your own thoughts can determine quite a lot.
How can you improve this low self-esteem with this method?
If something happens, write down briefly what it is, what your thoughts are about it and how you feel. You will read about it after a few days. The chance that you still think the same about it is not so great, because it has already sunk at that moment. Of course your feeling will not suddenly change, but if you practice and repeat this a number of times with yourself, there is a good chance that you can better control your feeling with other thoughts. Can't you improve the situation by doing something about it? Then there's no point in worrying about this. Can you do something about it? Then take that cow by its horns! Or better yet… grab that devil by the horns and throw him off your shoulder. Every time.
You have to do it yourself, that's a fact. But by reading about it you can better examine the feeling in yourself and place it better. And so you can slowly change it.
Do you recognize any of this? And if so… are you doing something about this or are you just letting it get to you? Share your tips &tricks! Or your fears, maybe someone else has the tips for you!
