Carolien Roodvoets (62) is a family and relationship therapist. She has written five books, including The Attraction of the Wrong Men:The Monster Covenant. In the September issue of Santé she answered the question "why do women like the wrong men?"
Carolien Roodvoets:“I don't know exactly how often this occurs, because there are no figures, but in my practice I regularly receive women who fall for the wrong men. They are unhappy in their relationship and cannot separate from their partner. They know he's not good for them, but hope he'll change. At the same time, they are confused. Do they all see well? Isn't it their own fault? These men keep telling them that they are the problem.
“What strikes me about these women is their lack of self-esteem. This often arises in upbringing. I dare say that eighty or ninety percent of the women who come to me with this problem have a bad relationship or no relationship with their father and sometimes with their mother. In many cases there is alcohol abuse and violence. These women were never taught to stand up for themselves as children. In addition, they are not supported or encouraged by their parents to end unhealthy relationships. If you grow up without self-esteem, you can never stand up straight in a relationship. Then you pull
types that take advantage of you. Some women are attracted to these men because they find them exciting and interesting. Others want to save these men. They believe that their partner has a good heart and that they can change him. Power and financial interests can also play a role. The more often these women experience abusive relationships, the more easily they are manipulated. If you hear again and again that you are not good, you will automatically believe it.”
“There are different types of bad men, including the narcissist, the psychopath, the addicted man, the violent, jealous, possessive, compulsive or distant man. These men – low and highly educated – attract very different women. What most bad men have in common is that they are manipulative. Other traits include:untrustworthy, jealous, unwilling to care for you, self-centered, poor at communicating and just wanting to take, not give. It is very difficult for women to get out of such a relationship. I don't think you can figure it out without therapy. Find out – under the guidance of a professional – why you always fall for the wrong men and what you really find important in a relationship.”
Also read this Q&A: ‘what determines your pain threshold?’
Image:Getty Images, source:Santé September, text:Maike abma
