What if you are in your late thirties, your relationship has just ended, but you do want to have children? It happens to many women, including journalist Emily (36). She is considering freezing her eggs and is going to investigate.
Another birth announcement falls on my doormat. It is already the third in two months. Pretty much all my friends are busy starting a family, and I, well… I just got dumped by my boyfriend. We had already talked about living together and even children, but suddenly he became anxious and pulled the plug overnight.
I've been crying my eyes out for the past few weeks. For him, for us. But also something I've never grieved about before, which is that now that I'm 36-and-a-half, it might be too late for me to find a nice man with whom I'd like to have children. . That thought hit like a bomb and no matter how hard I try – I can't get it out of my head. Now, of course, I can install Tinder on my phone like crazy, to get the man back as soon as possible. So that with a bit of luck I can get myself pregnant before I'm 38… if that works at all.
But:I don't want that at all. I'm heartbroken and the last thing I feel like doing right now is dating. In any case, I get sick of having to start all over again:getting to know someone, trying to build something together from scratch. And as time goes by, there is only more pressure on a new possible relationship; is anyone 'compatible'? With the same wishes and desires (read:desire to have children)? Previously I had two long relationships and then my partners were the ones who indicated that they would like children, and I was not that far yet. I had very different priorities:travel, travel and more travel. Go on an adventure, explore the world, party. Children, me? No, I might someday want them, but that was a vague wish for a distant future. When I fell in love again at 35, I saw the potential father of my children in someone for the first time in my life.
When I'm on the phone with a friend for the umpteenth time and musing about my dreams for the future that have fallen into the water, she suddenly says:'Emily, why don't you freeze your eggs? That would relieve a lot of pressure going forward.” Huh? What? I've heard about it, but know little about it. Right after we hang up, I start googling. That night I hardly sleep. So you can have your eggs frozen, which are then stored for a few years in a refrigerator, after which you can have them replaced. This way you maintain the quality and especially the quantity of your 'younger' eggs. But is that really so? How effective is it actually? What does it cost? And, and, and…
When I start to look more into it a few days later, I am shocked. Of the route and the costs. The process appears to consist of several phases. Starting with a preliminary investigation; a blood test in which the value of the so-called AMH hormone is determined. This value shows quite accurately how many eggs a woman still has and at what point she will enter the menopause. The next step is hormone stimulation:the maturation of eggs is stimulated via daily injections in the abdomen. This is followed by one or more egg retrievals, which are surgical procedures. The 'treatment time' can vary from a few months to a year. And the costs are between 4,000 and 7,000 euros (depending on the amount of punctures and medication you need, which varies per person). Freezing itself costs four hundred euros, plus about forty euros per year for 'storage costs'. And all this is not covered by the health insurance. If you want to have the eggs replaced, this is done in the same way as with a 'regular' IVF process, of which a maximum of three replacements are reimbursed.
And the money is not everything, there is also a physical aspect to take into account. At least, if I may believe Maria, an acquaintance of mine who had her eggs frozen last year. She tells me how intense she found the hormone injections she had to give herself. “It made me very emotional and unstable,” she says. ‘Then I just burst into tears.’ According to Maria, the egg retrievals themselves are also quite intense, comparable to very bad menstrual pain. Yet she does not regret it, she notices that it has brought her a lot of peace. "I'm dating now and I'm a lot more relaxed about it than before," she says. “Because I now have an 'emergency supply', so I don't necessarily have to be settled and pregnant within the next two years. I 'bought' some extra time, or at least that's how it feels. Even though I know this gives me no guarantees.”
And that seems like a good idea to me, buying some 'extra time'. But I wonder if it's worth all the trouble for me... Egg freezing can actually be compared to taking out fire insurance, says Petra de Sutter, gynaecologist, head of the reproductive medicine department at UZ Gent and author of the book De makeable baby.
‘You insure your house against fire, but of course hope that you will never have to make a claim on this. It is the same with frozen eggs. With one difference:the guarantee is not one hundred percent. The chance of a child per frozen egg is limited. For example, if you are 34 and each egg has a five percent chance, then with twenty eggs you have about a 65 percent chance of getting pregnant. Moreover, ninety percent of women who have their eggs frozen never use them. They just get pregnant naturally and that's for the best. When women come back to us when they have found a partner, we always say:try it naturally first, give it a few more years. And only when it still doesn't work do we start a treatment. IVF treatments have a huge impact, both physically and mentally. So in my opinion you should only start if it is your last option.'
mI clearly underestimated what it all means. Freezing my eggs sounds like an increasingly unappealing plan. I don't see myself diving into this medical whim.
Finally, after some deliberation, I took the plunge. I will not do it. The main reasons:I think it's too expensive and it's an incredibly intense process that turns your body and hormones upside down. And somewhere I also think:if it's not meant to be, then I can live with that. Then I still have a nice life, my freedom, and I can continue to travel. And a new nice man will come again, or not. I decide to let go of everything, banish thoughts of doom from my head and just see who or what comes my way.
And guess what, less than a week later my ex is at the door out of the blue. Can we please talk. That he regrets his decision. After thinking about it for a while and letting him sweat very well, I take him back (and yes okay, with a jump in my heart). I don't want to force anything and stick to my previous decision:I don't want to and won't worry about anything anymore. I want to enjoy life without putting stress on myself. Just like Maria, even if I don't have an 'emergency supply'. If eventually a little one comes along, I would really like that. But if not, that's fine too. Either way:I'll be happy.
This article previously appeared in the January 2018 issue | Image:Shutterstock
