Exercise is good for body and mind, until it becomes an obsession. Anne (32) knows all about that. I canceled parties and evenings with friends. I lived for training, eating, sleeping. And repeat.”
I was eleven when I first got on the phone. I was the tallest girl in the class and got broad hips and shoulders from a young age. That stood out, and at that age you want to be anything but striking. I was definitely not overweight, but I didn't want to be, so I went to a dietician. My parents supported me; they saw my struggle. I think they thought that a dietitian could help me feel better about myself. They probably, like other parents, wanted their child to be happy and comfortable in their own skin.
The dietician gave me good tips, which I followed carefully and I had a fine figure. Only later did it go wrong. I was thirteen or fourteen and a lot concerned with appearance. I looked up to models I saw in magazines and on TV. Those very thin girls, skin and bones. That's what I wanted to look like. Size zero became my ideal of beauty.
To achieve that, I went to the gym. As a fourteen-year-old girl I stood there among the grown men, training with weights. I had no idea if I was doing it right, but I thought I was doing just fine. Meanwhile, my relationship with food became increasingly disturbed. I started skipping meals when I felt I wasn't losing weight fast enough and visited pro-ana websites. I wrote down everything I ate in a notebook. I still have that, by the way. No longer to register, but as a good reminder of what not to do.
The funny thing is that I could go on like this for years without anyone noticing what was going on. When I still lived at home, I always just ate dinner with me so that my parents wouldn't see how bad I was with myself. Even my friends didn't realize how far I would go to achieve my desired figure. When I got older and started living on my own, it was even easier to train like crazy and eat little. From that moment on I really went crazy.
I had to exercise every day, striving for the perfect body. Then I first cycled to the gym for half an hour, did two group lessons of one hour and then cycled back for half an hour. For example, I was lost to the gym almost every night. I started training more and more, and got stronger and stronger. And then the idea arose to register for the Flex Cup, a fitness competition.
I had a year to go from a 'normal sporty' body to a completely toned bodybuilder's body, so from that moment on I was even stricter on myself. My fat percentage had to be as low as possible. Eating and exercising really became an obsession. My whole day, almost my whole life, revolved mainly around sports and also food. I canceled parties and fun days or evenings with friends, I lived for training, eating, sleeping. And repeat.
A conscious choice at the time, but now I see how unhealthy that was. Family and friends thought it was great that I had so much perseverance, for such a tough sport. But if I'm being honest, I think they must have been worried too. And that I didn't want to see or hear the silent hints.
What I did well in that time, is that out of interest I started training to become a nutrition consultant. There I learned what your body needs to get the best out of itself. And I saw that very little food would not help me further towards my dreamed fitness body. From that moment on, my relationship with food became a lot healthier, thankfully. But exercising was still problematic.
After a year of training I really had the body of a bodybuilder:super-muscled, with barely a gram of fat. You know them, a narrow waist and very wide at the top. I attended fitness fairs, did photo shoots with big fitness stars and entered competitions. In my first race I came in second, but when I was allowed to move up a category, I ended up somewhere behind. I believe I was eighth. That opened my eyes:what was I doing it for? I exhausted myself completely, was literally completely trained and even then I didn't finish in the top.
And that was when I kind of collapsed. You could call it a burnout; I couldn't afford anything anymore. I also got more and more troubled by two injuries that I had suffered from constantly overloading my body:a chronic inflammation of the attachment of my hamstring and a knee injury.
I sought help from a psychologist and he diagnosed an eating disorder. For the first time in my life, someone said out loud to me that my relationship with food and exercise was not healthy. She helped me to apply the sensible insights that I always shared with others - I now worked as a health coach and always told clients that they should maintain balance, not go overboard, eat enough and listen carefully to their bodies - also to myself. . Actually I knew everything, but somehow I couldn't reach it before. I was unable to break the pattern of being obsessive. With her help, she finally succeeded. After twenty years of striving for perfection, I can finally say:I am happy with myself the way I am.
Nowadays I train four or five days a week, I walk a lot and I usually eat healthy, but I also sometimes have a pizza or chocolate. There are also weeks when I don't see the gym inside at all, but then I keep moving. I like to walk along the beach or through the city. Without exercise I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin, I have to get off the couch to feel happy. And I am now. I feel happy, healthy and in shape. Of course I have to be on my guard, if you are prone to eating disorders and obsessive behavior there is always danger lurking. But I am convinced that going too far is no longer an option. Healthy food and good exercise are now part of my life because I want to, because I like it. Not anymore because you have to.
I used to think that my happiness depended on my body. First from size zero, then from the ultimate fit girl body. Now I know it isn't. No matter how thin or so fit you are, if deep down you're not happy with yourself, that body will never make you happy. Then you always keep looking for things that aren't quite perfect. Everything in life revolves around balance, about the right mindset.
I know that now, and that is the biggest gain this “journey” has brought me. Only when you manage to be genuinely satisfied and happy with who you are, can you love your body. Not the other way around. I also want to pass this on to the young girls who follow me on Instagram or read my blogs:getting thinner or fitter alone won't make you happy; it's about how it is in your head. You have to work on that first. I want to be the example I used to need, but couldn't find. And I want to protect others from the mistakes I've made, make sure they do better than I did.
In her Fit &Fabulous handbook, Anne Haakmeester shares her experiences and knowledge about food, exercise and the right mindset. In it she gives tips on what you should, but especially not, do if you want to feel fit &fabulous.
Read also: How do you know when exercise turns into an addiction?
This article previously appeared in the July 2018 issue. Text:Rianne Sepers | Image:Gettyimages
