Annemiek suffers from recurring depression.
1 in 4 people in the Netherlands has a brain disorder, according to research by the RIVM on behalf of the Brain Foundation. Also Annemiek Lely, she suffers from recurrent depression, a recurring depression. Fortunately, she is now doing well, she has been depression-free for 2.5 years and is now also an ambassador for the Brain Foundation.
‘I have a certain vulnerability,’ says Annemiek. "Someone who has a trauma can also develop depression, but then there is a very clear reason. I first became depressed when I was 15. There were triggers, but there was no clear reason. A pediatrician once explained to me that the predisposition to get anorexia, for example, is already present in the brains of many children, but that triggers are needed to actually develop an eating disorder. I have something similar:a genetic vulnerability to becoming depressed. The predisposition to get those depressive feelings is just a little more on the surface for me. Where someone else's door is closed, it's always ajar for me.'
I can ensure that the door does not open too far by sticking to certain things:exercise enough, take rest on time and clearly indicate my limits. Depression is such an elusive thing. My last depression started about 3.5 years ago and lasted about a year. It's a different feeling than being very sad, everything feels heavier. In addition to all the negative thoughts and fears I experience during a depressive period, it is especially physically difficult. I feel an enormous fatigue, which makes me only want to sleep, I have tension in my hands and feel a pressure on my chest. There are moments when I sit very deep and prefer to crawl into a corner and disappear from the face of the earth. A few weeks later it can get better and I can even enjoy it, but that heavy feeling remains. Only when I notice that the heaviness disappears, I dare to say that I am free of depression again.'
Read also: What is depression?
"It's always a lonely process, because no one else can feel what I feel during a depressive period. The loneliest thing is despair, even if you get help. Luckily I have wonderful parents. They always take me seriously and have never blamed me. Also my boyfriend has always seen the person behind the depression. It is also very hard for them, they feel powerless when they want to do something to help, but really all they can do is give love. Fortunately, I have always received that unconditional love.”
“If you are depressed, it is very nice to have someone looking after you. When I went to seek help during my last depression, I ended up on a waiting list. While I was at my lowest point, I didn't get the help I needed and that can be very frightening and even dangerous. The person I am now has all kinds of plans and dreams, but the depression can take over and cause me to have suicidal thoughts. Recently I read in an old diary 'I don't think I will make it to 30,' I wrote. That makes me realize all too well that depression is always lurking. But next year I'll be 30 and I'm going to celebrate that too! I have been depression-free for about 2.5 years now and I enjoy this period intensely. Because if you can enjoy yourself again, I'll go the extra mile.'
‘A psychiatrist prescribed me medicine early on, but I only started taking it when I was 20. I wanted to solve it myself, prejudice also played a part, I thought it was a sign of weakness. I told myself:if I try hard enough and train myself enough, the depression will stay away. I had never heard of genetic vulnerability then. It's like telling someone with ADHD to sit quietly in a chair all day. You just don't want that. You can look much better at how you can deal with it.'
Read also: Thanks to my 'happy pills' I am myself again
“The same psychiatrist who prescribed me the drugs also gave me other tools. For example, he put me on a mindfulness training and pointed out the benefits of yoga. Although I am not flexible at all and my balance is terrible, the holistic aspect of yoga brings me a lot of positives. It allows me to really relax and be aware of my body. Especially given the fact that during depressive periods I can feel a dichotomy between my head and body. I can no longer identify myself with my body, as it were. Exercising makes me feel one with my body again. It keeps me healthy in several ways.'
"I've had a lot of shame and often kept my depression silent. Only during my last depression did I realize that I have to accept myself. I realized this is who I am and depression is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. From that moment on I started to speak more openly about it and the Brain Foundation came my way. The Brain Foundation wants more openness about this subject, because there is often still a taboo about having psychological complaints. For example, I still hear people say:"It's great that you're talking about it." That's really crazy, because nobody says that when you talk about your broken leg. My openness is almost seen as a quality of mine and it shouldn't have to be.
In addition to making it a topic for discussion, the Brain Foundation is also focusing on more research and that is what it is all about for me. So little is known about the brain. If I can contribute to the research as a guinea pig, so to speak, I do so with love.
I see it as my mission to create openness and to make psychological complaints a topic for discussion. And I want to offer hope:there are so many people who suffer from depression. I want to show them that you can get out and develop into the person you want to be. People will forget me, but not my story and that is what matters to me.
Read also: How to recognize depression
Text:Jolien van der Kamp-Gielleit | Image:Oscar Seykens
