It's a bit of a commonplace of which we at least all know an archetype:the old woman who curses at the children who play ball in the street, the grumpy resident who attacks the orderlies, and so on. more… Demonstrating authoritarianism or on the contrary quick to whims, suspicious or even paranoid or quite simply aggressive in their words or even their actions:real Aunt Danielle! An archetype that can make people laugh and inspire satire as long as it does not concern us, but which has enough to make life nightmarish as soon as it starts to affect our loved ones. It's never easy to watch your parents or grandparents grow old and wither, but watching them sour and attack you is truly heartbreaking.
But where exactly does this archetype of the cantankerous old man come from? If common sense has long been able to put him exclusively on the back of a third age perceived as ungrateful, whether he has passed into loneliness following the loss of a spouse or the estrangement of loved ones, or whether he either too precarious to still benefit from his last years, or that the approach of the grim reaper and a declining form push to perceive him as a twilight in the end credits following his best years, we now also know that he exists physical reasons for this state, even neurological in the case of certain degenerative pathologies.
It must first be remembered that if, like any archetype, this one is well anchored in a certain reality, it only affects a minority of elderly people. In most, we do not observe such a change in character - if not downright a little doddery at seeing how some melt when they find themselves surrounded by their grandchildren! Among this minority, however, there are in a way two main scenarios.
In the first case, there is ultimately not much to do. A person who has always had a certain rigor and dryness in his character is only likely to perpetuate himself in this direction with advancing age, like a tree whose bark becomes harder and rougher. It is ultimately the same character that you have always known him, certainly perhaps even more bitter in the face of the vagaries of old age:loss of autonomy, loss of a spouse, distance from loved ones... So many causes of suffering that will make the already demanding, even intransigent traits of your loved one even more rigid. And if you don't teach an old monkey to grimace, you don't unteach it either! Traits, whether they are "good" or "bad" — it's up to you — only get worse with age.
What is therefore more disturbing, and a fortiori for relatives, is when a person who has always been a "good job", so to speak, becomes cantankerous and unpleasant with those around him, almost from day to day. the following day. Here again, there are two scenarios:that of a source to be sought on the mental side, and that which results rather from another pathology, physical as for it.
Some come to compare the third age to… adolescence! A not so far-fetched idea, since both periods are conducive to major changes, sources of stress and anxiety. And if adolescence marks the end of childhood, for our elders it is rather an unfortunately infantilizing period, where there is no longer any way to turn around. A bit like a young person who looks like he is in a teenage crisis, this "crisis" that we observe in some elderly people may be the only way they can communicate their anxieties and frustrations. However, this stress only accumulates in the face of the vagaries of old age. Dependence and the helplessness it causes are two formidable sources of frustration that can explain a certain aggressiveness.
This even leads some to speak of a "burn-out" of old age, faced with the labor of aging with its share of losses. A seemingly simple change in the person's surroundings can trigger a hitherto underlying neurosis, and plunge a person into depression, of which bitterness can be a mode of expression. As we know, our elders are not the champions of psychotherapy and have often been more used to taking it in silence than to communicating and working on their emotions. It is not surprising that in some cases, faced with the drop of water too many, the vase ends up overflowing and spilling over into aggression against those around you. Moreover, the cause of this neurosis is also sometimes to be sought in a much older trauma, sometimes buried since childhood, which, faced with all this stress and one micro-event too many, can suddenly resurface in an extremely violent way, and this in an unconscious way for the first concerned himself.
Finally, there are also more "mechanical" reasons for these outbursts of violence. One of the best-known scenarios is that of Alzheimer's disease which, while it makes the majority of sufferers rather apathetic, can also have the opposite effect and be a source of outbursts of anger or aggressiveness. In this situation, these usually have to do with the internal confusion of the person caused by the disease. Your relative may simply not understand what is happening to them, what is being offered to them, due to the disease, and react aggressively, following a kind of defensive instinct.
Other reasons to consider are those of physical discomfort such as toothache, bowel movement problems, and so on; while other pathologies can affect mood without manifesting themselves physically, which makes them all the more difficult to identify for the person concerned and their loved ones. Finally, it can also simply be a reaction to a drug treatment! Or even worse, a reaction to a situation of mistreatment that has gone unnoticed and kept under wraps. All avenues should be explored to identify the source of your loved one's discomfort. It's not just for older people:we all tend to get a little on edge when something gets in the way. Simply, our seniors are reaching an age where these inconveniences multiply and accumulate, which, coupled with the mental load that aging already represents, can lead to a kind of generalized fed up.
In short, as you can see, this new aggressiveness often conceals suffering, whether physical or mental. The worst reaction in this case would therefore be to stand up and send your loved one for a walk, in reaction to this sourness on his part. You would only enter a vicious circle that would only increase the suffering on both sides, and the resentment on top of it. Of course, it is not always easy to override one's own feelings — for a loved one of the concerned older person, who may be deeply affected by the aggression of his or her relative, as well as for a caregiver, for whom these Temper tantrums can make work and the day extremely difficult!
The good news is that it may eventually pass! If we address the origins of suffering, the bitterness will also eventually fade, at least in part. The first thing to do is therefore to listen to your interlocutor in order to seek together the causes of the problem and how to eradicate them. In the manner of a teenager who would only turn up his nose even more if you yourself reacted violently, it is first of all up to the relatives to take the first step, to identify this problem that the elderly person who has become cantankerous unable or no longer able to communicate verbally. We must not consider this attitude from a moral angle, but on the contrary, show empathy, keeping in mind that the person who suffers the most is still undoubtedly the one who comes to express himself in this way. There is no miracle solution — it would be known — but listening remains the best way to soften this temperament and, who knows, perhaps to find a healthy and peaceful relationship.
