It happens that, as they age, certain women and certain men who have hitherto been gentle and benevolent, gradually become cantankerous and nasty elderly people towards their loved ones and the people around them - a syndrome, if it can be described as such, immortalized for example with the character of Auntie Danielle , the odious great-aunt of Étienne Chatiliez's comedy. But for some families, this affliction is unfortunately not a fiction, and makes the daily life and the care of their elderly loved one particularly painful, when it does not start an open conflict between the two parties when frustration takes over. . Whether it is a form of verbal persecution, with insults and outbursts of anger, or even inappropriate words, or even physical aggression, against those close to them or their environment, there is there is reason to be disconcerted, not to say desperate, when it comes to no longer recognizing an elderly parent. How then to deal with such a situation?
To learn how to deal with naughty old people, it is first necessary to understand them, and to realize where this sometimes brutal change of character comes from. It is that with the loss of autonomy and mobility that accompanies old age, it is a real personal failure that we live. If old age is already accompanied by a certain deterioration, we reach for the first time a stage where we find ourselves dependent on those around us to accomplish even the most basic and intimate tasks. It is therefore often frustration in the face of this feeling of helplessness in the face of fate which generates this aggression. This has nothing to do with old age:think of those motorists who start banging their fists and honking their horns when they find themselves stuck in traffic, or the way in which the feeling of being a victim of an injustice (whether justified or not) can drive a person into a mad rage.
In the same way, the psychological pain that accompanies this loss of autonomy, as well as physical afflictions, can strain the elderly person. Again, this is not specific to old age:a migraine that you don't know how to get rid of can also make you fall into rage, or at least have the gift of making the slightest annoyance particularly irritating. However, these small ailments become permanent after a certain age – just like the irritation that can therefore accompany them. Moreover, the change in personality may very well be pathological , between brain damage responsible for cognitive dysfunction affecting personality, or Alzheimer's disease and senility in general.
As you will have understood, therefore, it is not always a transformation due to age itself (although it may indeed find its source in a deterioration of cognitive faculties or in senility), but rather a reaction to a weakening experienced as painful, humiliating and unjust. For some of these people, aggressiveness is a way of regaining control in the face of addiction, or even to communicate a malaise that one does not know how or does not want to formulate otherwise. To again use an analogy that is not unique to the elderly, one need only think of infants and toddlers, who often only have their cries and tears to alert their parents to their needs.
It follows that the first way to understand this change of state in your elderly loved one is not to make it a moral matter. To speak of "wickedness" ultimately reduces what is a sign of deeper affliction to mere moral bankruptcy. Rather, we must try to show understanding and benevolence, as difficult as it may seem when a loved one is cruel to us, by trying to identify the recent changes that could have caused this distress, whether acts of the disappearance of a loved one, physical pain or a mental problem, a reduction in cognitive faculties, an increase in senility, a move to a retirement home or hospital environment , or even a situation of abuse experienced by the aggressive person himself. On the contrary, by taking these attacks personally, we risk escalating the conflict and pushing the aggressive person even further into a corner by reinforcing their feeling of injustice and persecution. Of course, this is easier said than done, but you still have to try to act like an adult and be wise which is now lacking in our eldest.
In other words, do not try to fight fire with fire, and do not in turn show aggression towards your loved one. Do not force him to eat if he does not want to, or to communicate if he remains mute. As irritating as their aggressiveness and capriciousness may seem to you, try to be patient. Stay present in their lives even if it requires a lot of effort, because aggression paradoxically often denotes a need for presence and affection . You can manifest the latter physically with caresses or gentle hugs if the person in question is receptive to it, or you can simply wait patiently for the end of the crisis or try to create a diversion from it, by changing the subject. Not always easy to take of course, and it is possible to crack, but try to not carry over this anger and frustration that you feel against him (on the contrary, if you come to feel these emotions, repeat to yourself that it is probably because he also feels them that the person acts in this way), keeping in mind that it is probably the other who suffers the most from his situation.
It is therefore a question of investigating the causes of this change in mood. And for that, it is better to be subtle than to directly confront the main interested party with direct questions ("why are you like that?", etc.), at the risk that the latter bury themselves in denial. Instead, ask questions of those around him, whether they are relatives you see regularly or caregivers, and try to identify among the causes raised those that could be present in your loved one.
In the same way that we sometimes change more or less in character during adolescence and that we enter into conflict with our parents or those around us (we speak of a "teenage crisis" at this age), there is reason to be disoriented by the transitions that accompany old age. So comb through all the major changes (or even minor ones for that matter, which is precisely what makes this investigation not so obvious) that could have occurred in your loved one's daily life. Once you understand the origin of his distress, it is now much easier for you to show patience and understanding towards the aggressive person.
Most of us are neither senior citizens nor mental health experts. It is therefore normal to be caught off guard when you find yourself faced with this situation. Just as there is no instruction manual to be a parent, and that one must improvise the education of one's children in the manner of a child who is thrown into the water is "forced" to learn to swim (which in either case is not without generating trauma in some people), there is also no instruction manual for watching your parents grow old and deteriorate . Everyone has to improvise with the ups and downs of life, and old age is not so kind to everyone:seeing your loved one lose their minds and become violent with those around them is sometimes more cruel than a premature death.
The tips listed in this article are therefore always to be kept in mind, but two things are obvious:
This support will already allow you not to fall into bitterness towards your loved one. While proximity is generally beneficial to the latter, it doesn't have to come at the cost of your own sanity — which would also end up being counterproductive if you started to stir up the conflict yourself. In addition, delegation to third parties can sometimes be better accepted by the data subject, who will be able to engage more easily with them.
