It is estimated that one in 100 people have symptoms of borderline. They can react extremely violently, are unpredictable, are plagued by separation anxiety and are, deep down, still a child themselves. As a mother, they sometimes have an extra hard time. But so are their children. Read here how challenging this mother-child relationship can be.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an officially recognized personality disorder. Also known as emotion regulation disorder. The disorder leads to deviant behavior that is both for the person with BPD if it is very difficult for the environment. Someone with BPD has difficulty maintaining relationships, both in love and in the circle of friends. The tantrums can be terrifying at worst. In the worst case scenario, the person with BPD seems to have lost all self-control, only acting impulsively and no longer paying attention to the consequences of her behavior.
The disorder usually begins in adolescence or early adulthood and seems to moderate somewhat with age. Acting rationally is difficult if he or she (more often a she) has strong emotions. You can actually compare it with a toddler who has built a pile of blocks and then furiously knocks over the tower at the first setback. That is sweet for a toddler, for someone with BPD it is strange and frightening for the environment.
Reasonable talk is sometimes pointless. The other is unable to regulate her emotions. While anger sometimes varies in intensity, the anger of someone with BPD is almost always the same. Mild irritations feel like rage to them. Although it is important to emphasize that BPD comes in many variations and the symptoms can differ both over time and from person to person.
Unfortunately partners and friends sometimes leave. But for children it is more complicated. A mother with borderline , or BPD as it is officially called, is therefore an extra task. Both for the mother and for the child.
There is no way a child can feel what the mother feels. The psychologists Mason and Kreger explain in their book "Living with a Borderline" what such a tantrum feels like:"Imagine the worst you've ever felt and make it three times worse." (You can find their book here .)
Many people with a borderline disorder Fortunately, they never live out their emotions in front of their children. That should be reassuring for partners, who sometimes get the full brunt. Many mothers with BPD make an effort to protect their children from their unpredictability. But children have enormous feelers and sometimes notice more than a parent realizes.
Mothers with a borderline disorder resemble a child in some ways. "Like children, they sometimes find it difficult to put their own needs aside and focus on those of others." child. “They can become so preoccupied with their own emotional problems that they overlook the emotional needs of their children.”
Also, they can be inconsistent in parenting. Being an involved parent one minute and almost neglecting their children the next, depending on how they feel about themselves. Also, a borderline mother can use her children to temper her own fears. For example, by taking her ten-year-old child into bed with her because she herself is afraid of being alone.
Characteristics for parents with BPD is what psychologist splitting to mention. They are for or against you. They put someone on a pedestal, or crush him or her. They think in black and white. A gray area of feelings is missing. It is important for children to develop a sense of who they are. This happens in all kinds of ways, but an important aspect is the confirmation that children receive from their parents. For example, a child can hear that it can draw so well, or is so cozy at the table, helpful or headstrong. In a healthy environment, a child grows up with parents who act like a mirror. They show the child in all sorts of ways:look, this is you. They approve or disapprove of behaviour, confirm feelings, reassure, adjust, let go and protect.
According to the authors, a mother with borderline often does not know who she is. She often suffers from a chronic sense of emptiness. She needs the people in her immediate environment to confirm who she is. And those people are either good or bad. A mother with borderline may also treat her own children as all good or all bad. Or, as Mason and Kreger put it, “Parents with BPD can switch their love on and off, resulting in their children learning that they cannot be trusted.” Her behavior can be so unpredictable that the child concentrates on the mother. He asks for stability, and that is precisely what is lacking. A borderline mother is almost always unpredictable. One minute she may be acting completely responsible, the next she may be ignoring important matters.
The older the child gets, the more independent it becomes. The mother with BPD, according to `Mason and Kreger, this can make you feel abandoned. And that too is one of her great fears. She may unconsciously try to make the children dependent on her, anything to keep them from turning away from her, the way she experiences the independence. For healthy development, children need to separate from their parents. Go their own way. A parent who clings to her child, does not want to let it go, stands in the way of that independence.
A mother with BPD can see a rejection in everything in the worst case. For example, if children are disobedient. It resembles the narcissistic mother, who also does not grant her child independence, described by psychologist Elan Golomb:'These children feel that they cannot take on a natural form, because any movement towards independence is seen as a betrayal that the parent causes irreparable harm.'
To grow up healthy you need the experience as a child that you are really accepted. That you are seen as you really are. That you are perfect in the eyes of your parents. You must stumble and fall and then see the proud smile of your father or mother. That way you learn that you matter and that you deserve love. A borderline mother loves her children, but has trouble showing that love at the right times because her own feeling of inferiority gets in the way and anger.
Researchers at the University of Tennessee published an article a few years ago about mothers with borderline and their influence on young children. They examined 31 children between the ages of four and seven. The mothers were given a test to measure their attachment and were observed in their parenting tasks. The children were also questioned. What turned out? The mothers with borderline all had an insecure attachment style. That means they didn't feel safe in their relationships, but they couldn't show security to their child either.
Many of the mothers had painful childhood memories of their own, often with a history of abuse or great loss, such as the early death of a parent.
Securely attached mothers are more sensitive to the needs of their children † Securely attached mothers also respond more lovingly to children with behavioral problems than insecurely attached mothers.
It is known from previous research that mothers with borderline respond less sensitively to children who are two months old, compared to 'healthy' mothers. Eighty percent of children with a mother with borderline appear to be insecurely attached by 13 months.
In a 2011 study, mothers with borderline were compared with mothers with major depression. Their babies were all about three months old. The mothers with borderline were less positive and showed less interaction with their child than mothers with major depression or the healthy control group. In the subsequent period (3-36 months), the borderline mothers were not only less sensitive to their child's needs, they also offered significantly less structure than the depressed or healthy mothers.
There are no drugs for borderline, no good therapy – although with the advent of schema therapy has changed. It is clear that parenting is difficult for mothers with a borderline, according to the authors. They do point out, however, that BPD occurs in varying degrees and that many parents with BPD are perfectly capable of raising their children.
This article is a summary of the work of Mason and Kreger. Two scientists who have been researching BPD for years. We understand that their lyrics can sometimes come across as intrusive and accusatory. It is certainly not the intention to hurt people with this. On the contrary. BPD is a serious mental illness that is fortunately rare. And as the researchers pointed out, most parents know how to protect their children well.
Source:The E ssential Family Guide To Borderline Personality Disorder, Randi Kreger/ Walking on eggshels, Manson &Kreger, features:Wikipedia:, Image:Getty Images
