As you know, my father recently passed away. That means that for me life at the moment mainly revolves around my parents who are both no longer there. My mother passed away 5 years ago. Their apartment has to be empty and that brings a lot of memories. But what I want to talk to you about first is the choice between burial or cremation. Not the 'plastic' difference (my mother was buried and my father was cremated), but the difference in feeling for those who remain behind. And my own feeling about burial or cremation when my time has come.
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I can tell you… a lot. And I had never thought that before, especially because there is no funeral insurance or funeral supervisor who really goes into it. The wish is usually expressed beforehand by the deceased. And whether someone wants to be buried or cremated, you have to respect that choice of course. I also understand someone's reasons for choosing specific burial or cremation. One finds the idea of an oven terrible and the other (like my father) finds burial a very unpleasant idea. But now it's about the feeling for those left behind and I wonder if that is given enough thought. Or that people realize the consequences of burial or cremation for the next of kin. Apart from the financial consequences of course.
It was a topic my parents couldn't agree on. Burial or cremation. Just like whether or not to take out insurance, by the way. My dear mom was very firm, a cremation was out of the question. My father, on the other hand, certainly did not want to be buried. Even though my mother would have liked that. Together in the grave. Fortunately, the latter is still possible. An urn is also placed in a grave if that wish is granted. Being together is therefore not an issue here. But the feeling for the relatives does and I will explain why.
My father has been at my mother's grave every day for more than 4.5 years. Until he himself became so sick that he could no longer bear it. Of course we went with him, but even the short walk from the parking lot to my mother's grave didn't work out at a certain point and the wheelchair was no longer an option.
What I have noticed very strongly with my father in those 4.5 years is that his position about burial or cremation has absolutely not changed. In fact… he had a lot of trouble with the idea that my mother was lying there. Of course because of the lack, but also because he couldn't get it out of his head that she was lying there. Underground. In the cold. In the rain. He thought that was terrible. And even though I had no problem with this myself, I understood him.
Now not everyone will suffer from this, but if it is, then it contributes to a very unpleasant feeling, in addition to all the sadness that there is. Nevertheless, cremation also has an effect on the feeling for relatives.
My father wished to be cremated. Of course, we granted that wish and I was there “to the bitter end.” For some people maybe a bridge too far to be at the oven, but I had no choice. I wanted to be with him and guide him as far as possible. And that was okay.
Although it felt good to me, it is strange that the oven doors close and you know that it takes another 2 to 2.5 hours before only ashes are left. And then? For many people it is difficult that there is no real grave after a cremation. In some cemeteries the urn is placed in a wall at all other urns. It is then difficult to really create a 'own' place. At other cemeteries you can buy a column where the urn is placed, so that you have a small place of your own. This is the case, for example, at the Oude Landen cemetery where my parents lie. But it is still different from a grave. My sister clearly has trouble with this, for example.
Stranger than this is that -with a cremation- you do not immediately get the ashes home. You have to wait 4-6 weeks for the ashes to be released, this is regulated in the Funeral Delivery Act. And all the while you have no place to go. Don't you have anything tangible.
In the case of cremation, when a loved one is lost, there is no tangible place where you can go for a while. I hadn't thought about that before. You are also not pointed out, but it is something that can bother you a lot. For example, after the cremation we went with the flower arrangements to my mother's grave to put them there. Otherwise you just have to go home. I would have found that very strange myself.
The typical thing is that this whole issue of the funeral is not discussed anywhere. Not when comparing and taking out any insurance, but also not during the process you go through when you are busy arranging the funeral. It's kind of a given. Something you only realize when the moment comes. This puts the question of burial or cremation in a different light for me.
I was not as firm as my parents about the question of burial or cremation, but I have now taken a stand on this. My point of view is actually that I don't want to decide for myself. I don't care if I'm buried or cremated. I would rather have my next of kin decide together what they like best. This way they can decide for themselves at that moment what feels best to them, burial or cremation.
And besides the fact that the feeling of course plays a major role in this, it also makes a financial difference whether there will be a funeral or cremation. Cremation is clearly cheaper than burial. I actually don't want to have any say in this myself, because I don't know what the financial situation is at that moment.
In other words… if I'm the longest-lived, there might still be something to inherit, but maybe not. If that is not the case… how are the children going to pay for the funeral if, for example, there is no funeral insurance? I now know from experience that it can cost just € 10,000. In some cases, it turns out to be useful to do some research beforehand and possibly compare and take out such insurance.
