What if your father or mother has a drinking problem? Of course, this affects the whole family. That doesn't necessarily have to be very negative, but it does have an influence. This is also the case in this story, which we publish anonymously on request. Nevertheless, it is true that the author of this article now understands why the drinking problem has arisen.
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Let me state that I don't approve. Drinking too much. Not just once, but always drinking too much. I never did, not now and not before. But I do understand now.
I come from a traditional family. Father worked and mother was home for the children. We were a nice family and I lived at home for quite some time. My mother was my girlfriend. I had a nice chat with her, we went shopping, had a nice lunch together, you name it. At home we watched nice series and for some serious conversations or advice, financially or otherwise I went to my father.
My father always joked that the umbilical cord between me and my mother had never been cut properly and we were four hands on one belly. And it was. When my friend - now my husband - came into my life, I always said:'You can think and say all kinds of things about my father, but don't touch my mother'.
My father liked whiskey and cola. Later this was exchanged for a beer (or 2 or 3…). He also regularly went to his favorite pub to drink a beer and chat. Sometimes my mother went with me and sometimes not. She doesn't drink and didn't always enjoy it. I completely understand that she didn't always feel like it. I also found it quite annoying to hear those regular comments 'oh I saw your dad sitting there'. Or when I once lived on my own and went there to visit to see him put on his things at the end of the afternoon to go grab another beer.
Once our children had arrived, my husband and I also said to each other that under no circumstances were they allowed to go with my father in the car. Too much risk, we didn't want that. But it didn't go that fast. Fortunately, but maybe because I suspect that this would be a lively discussion. In his own mind, my father didn't drink that much and certainly not too much.
Despite the fact that I regularly said something about his drinking problem, and of course my mother also made threats, these did not help. It might have been a little better for a while, and then again weakened to more than regular and excess drinking. He didn't have an unpleasant drink, in fact he had become so resistant by now that you didn't notice anything about him, whether he had 1 or 10 on it.
My father passed away at an early age, his lifestyle and drinking problem no doubt contributed to it. But only after his death did I realize how much I really had with that man. The nice trees, philosophizing, discussing, this all fell away. And then it actually struck us that we always only did that with him and that my mother always kept aloof. She tried to change the subject to something that was more pleasant for her, but if that didn't work, she fell silent and listened.
My mother, however sweet a person she is, lives in her own little world. She is caring and sweet, and I can always count on her. I could also put our children in the wrong place. But her world is quite small. This has probably always been the case, but my father's buffer never made me notice it. She doesn't really follow the news, so when I bring up a topical issue, she looks at me to see if she sees water burning. Or she gives a very indifferent insignificant answer.
My father used to get mad about that and tell her to look more into things and not be so stupid. Which made me furious with him again as he attacked my mother. But now I am also more and more inclined to react that way. When she doesn't know what's going on in the world, but she does know what the grandniece of the neighbor from three floors below ate last night...
Do you understand my point? Of course my father went to the pub to get that beer, but also to read his newspaper at his leisure and to discuss with the men at the bar about pension funds, wars, stock exchanges, etcetera. That is where his drinking problem arose. All kinds of things he couldn't talk to my mother about. To put it bluntly, if my mother wasn't talking about knitting or if she couldn't gossip about the neighborhoods, she wasn't interested. So yes, my father probably needed a while to stay up to date. To be able to talk at a level.
Trust me, I don't want to come across and willfully slander my mother. And I certainly don't feel any better than her. No, I love her dearly and wouldn't know what to do without my mother. And yes, how nice is it when you come home from work and you can gossip about the grandniece of the neighbor from three floors below. Or you can spend an hour cutting through a winter coat, or a skirt or something like that.
However, I also want to be able to have serious conversations with her. For example, about the death of my father. Or tell me something about my work, or even something about what is bothering me psychologically. This is not possible, it goes too deep and then she drops out. Sometimes I can deal with that very well and I will find someone else to talk to about it. But sometimes I think:$%*&^$#@, You're my mother! In any case, listen to me and don't immediately change the subject to something that is more pleasant for you.
It is useless to talk to her about this, she does not see it herself and I also find it difficult to hurt her with this, because that is what will happen. Over the past year, I have visited less and less often or called less and less. My new year's resolution is to visit or call a little more often, because soon she will also be gone and then I will probably miss all that small talk again. We just have to accept each other as it is.
But it did lead to understanding from my father. And maybe I should just accept that, I blamed him -after his death- that this was because he didn't take good enough care of himself. That has now been toned down. Luckily you're a mix of your parents (at least I certainly am), so I can ramble on like my mom can and I've got her caring too. But also being able to tree heavily, discussing is in my nature and I got that from my father. We'll just say that I got the best of both 😉 .
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