Soon Marie-Anne will have surgery again on her knee. "Is your husband in need of help? The lady from the municipality asks me this question in return by telephone.'
My question was if I could get a little help with the housework or with the kids. I don't have to think long about the answer. My husband sits there, hears it and frowns at me.
Ask for help
My partner, a well-preserved 40-something is never ill. He is not familiar with the concept of a headache. Our family skis the hardest down the mountain and I think I've heard him mention the word 'tired' twice in the fourteen years we've been together. Is he in need of help? No definitely not. The lady from the municipality says that I have to solve my request for help internally 'in my marriage'.
Busy schedule
I explain to her that my other half has been taking weeks off in recent months because I was unable to take care of my two children (6 and 8 years old) living at home and the household after several knee surgeries. My third daughter is staying abroad for a year after her graduation. Now my husband has a very lenient employer, but to take weeks off in the coming months (with a very busy agenda ahead of paper):that is not an option.
Another operation
I explain to the somewhat businesslike-sounding official that I will have surgery on one or two knees again sometime in the next two months and then won't be able to put any weight on them for six weeks.
Difficult
It is difficult to cook on stools. It's hard to clean up when a glass picture frame shatters into a thousand pieces on the tile floor, and it's hard to comfort when it scares your daughter. It is difficult to pick up when your child falls from the stairs and difficult to judge and act according to insight when your daughter feels 34 itchy bumps growing on her back in no time when you are still in a lot of pain and have to sit with your legs on the couch. It is difficult to go up and down the stairs for the tenth time with crutches ("my favorite stuffed animal is lost, there is a really strange animal in my room or I would prefer you to read to me") and it is difficult for your children shower in a wet, slippery bathroom. Shopping is difficult because what do you use to hold your shopping basket?
Dear people
Sure there are always lovely people who want to help. But because I have had to call on these people many times before, I would now like it if I didn't have to. After all, everyone is very busy with work, children, relationships and social life. Nor has it been given to me in my genes:accepting help. I find that very difficult.
Need help?
Is my husband in need of help? No, but Goddammit I do. Explain that to a civil servant!
Who is Marie-Anne? Marie-Anne, 48 years old, is married and mother of three daughters. She has a serious cartilage problem. It all started after a skiing accident, but hereditary factors and factors that doctors still don't know much about also play a role. Every other week she blogs about her (patchwork) family, the care in the Netherlands and her knee, which she recently had surgery on for the ninth time.
Read all of Marie-Anne's blogs>>
