Every year, 500,000 Dutch people are victims of domestic violence. 84% of those are women. 21% of women between the ages of 20 and 60 have experienced violence from their (ex-)partner. There are many prejudices about victims and perpetrators of domestic violence. For example, they would come from weaker backgrounds and be less educated or not articulate. But domestic violence occurs in all walks of life, as it turns out. Due to feelings of shame and guilt, many victims (women and men) do not dare to ask for help. Sandra (37, sociologist) tells her story to Santé today.
“I kept it to myself for a long time. My friends and family also didn't know what was going on in my relationship. I see myself as an independent, independent woman. She does not allow herself to be mistreated by her partner. When I got to know Paul, he seemed like a quiet guy. Gentle, humble. Sense of humour. He was a starting journalist, I myself studied sociology. I was flattered when he sent me a card with his phone number. After a few dates, we were both in love. The first half year was fun and carefree. We went out, visited museums, went on vacation. Now and then Paul could suddenly become very angry, which shocked me. But it was about innocent, everyday things. It must be in his nature, I thought.
At the first incident I felt very strongly:now I actually have to leave him. But I have not listened to that inner voice. I don't remember the exact reason for his outburst, but the bottom line was that I had said something that Paul took as personal criticism. He started cursing and called me a "bitch". I tried to explain what I meant, but that only made him angrier. He was white hot and suddenly kicked me in the shin. I was stunned. I had grown up in a sheltered environment, used to people supporting their views with arguments, not violence. It was humiliating and intimidating.
That psychological pain was worse than the physical one. Paul apologized and I accepted. He promised not to take his tantrums on me anymore. But the outbursts for trivial things continued. For example, we would be together in the kitchen making a savory cake and I would unsuspectingly notice that he had forgotten the crème frache. Or I had accidentally made a mistake when calculating the costs for a holiday. He felt personally attacked and deprived at such a moment. He started cursing, yelling, pushing and pulling at me. At such a moment everything about me was wrong and bad.
I started walking on tiptoe more and more. I had a wish to have children. Maybe I subconsciously hoped things would get better if we were a family. Nothing turned out to be less true. It all went wrong in the week after Nina was born. Paul interfered in everything, never left us alone for a second and thought I was doing everything wrong. When we got into an argument about changing the diapers, he threw me out of bed. He screamed in my ear, jumped on me and slammed his fists into me. From then on, such things happened regularly. I wasn't even aware of the bruises. I lived in a daze. My strategy was:clear your mind and carry on.
It wasn't until I left Paul, nearly three years later, that I realized how unsafe I've felt all along. The worst part was the constant silent fear that he would harm Nina. Because my contract was not renewed, I sat at home. Paul did his work as a freelance journalist from home. That further escalated the situation. I lived closed off from the outside world and didn't confide in anyone. I didn't dare. I didn't want others to know that my life wasn't on track. Besides, where could I go? With a child? How would Paul react? Feelings of guilt also played a role. That he went out of his mind with anger, I would have a part in that myself. I analyzed our relationship and condoned his behavior. I had the illusion that the situation was still somewhat manageable.
Eventually it came to a fatal eruption in France. Paul's parents had an idyllic farm in the Languedoc, where they invited us for a holiday. There I got into an altercation with his mother. Suddenly it was done. "I've had enough of this drama," I cried. I jumped up and ran upstairs. Nina and I are getting out of here, I decided, and this relationship is coming to an end. As I was stuffing clothes into a bag, I heard footsteps on the stairs. Paul stormed in. He pushed me on the bed and started punching, kicking and hitting me. I cried for help. When I heard footsteps again, I thought his parents would come to my rescue. But his mother attacked me and pushed me back on the bed. His father yelled that I was hysterical. In the bedroom next door I heard Nina crying and calling for me.
I felt very calm. Nina and I had to survive; if I resisted, these people would kill me. I told them to calm down, but Paul and his parents kept pushing and pulling. They were totally lost. Finally, Paul pulled me down the stairs by my hair. I could still hear Nina crying upstairs. When things had calmed down somewhat, I walked to Nina and called my parents. They got into the car and drove for a day and a night to pick me up.
The last hours have been bizarre. “How does it feel now, having a son who abuses his girlfriend?” I asked Paul's parents. His mother laughed hysterically, his father waved everything away. Paul was silent. Back in the Netherlands I had the locks on the house replaced. I went to the police station with a friend to file a report. The aftermath was a war of attrition. A division of the estate had to be arranged and a contact arrangement with Nina had to be established. Paul stood at the door screaming, threatening to attack me, harassed the mediator and used his parents' network to avoid his sentence. He got away with a fine of a few hundred euros.
Only after my relief came the anger. I never received any apologies, or even acknowledgment of the events. I especially feel bad for Nina. She witnessed her mother being abused at a vulnerable age. I myself suffered from reliving for a long time, then I saw myself again in that house in France. Now, four years later, I have found more peace. The question of how it could have happened has haunted me for a long time. With the help of a psychologist I went looking for answers. I grew up with a fairly hot-tempered father and therefore tend to accept intimidating behavior more easily than anyone else. Also, from my youth I am used not to hang out the dirty laundry and to fix up my business myself. I also believe in the sliding scale, in which a person unwittingly and unwittingly crosses boundaries.
My love and responsibility for Nina ultimately gave me the strength to intervene. I have moved to another city and have a new partner, with whom I have a nice, harmonious relationship. Nina grows up as a cheerful and intelligent girl. Reproach to myself has worn off. Deep in my heart I felt four years ago:my life can be different and I am able to create that. I succeeded. I leave the shame behind me.”
This story previously appeared in Santé, text Stephanie Jansen, image GettyImages
Good help is available for every victim in the Netherlands, but it is not always easy to find it. That is why there is a need for a website where victims and relatives can easily and quickly find all the information they need, together with an overview of aid organizations. This is the Victim Guide. Click here † It is not only victims who find their way to the right help there. Family members and care providers can also find tips on how best to offer help. With special buttons 'share with a victim' they can, for example, draw the attention of a victim to available help.
